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i feel guilty about not updating this but i've been feeling so guilty about so much that i can't really worry about it. i've been thinking recently about how i fear and distrust my own abilities, talents ... i feel guilty about that. i get angry at feeling guilty... and so on. i've been realizing how much i block myself. i'll read or clean or have something "important" i should do or just write lots of bs negative stuff in my journal which only helps to increase my apathy. in thinking about all this, i'm realizing its that i fear my own abilities. writing analytical papers has always been pretty easy for me, up to now. now i feel intense anxiety and that i need to write some masterpiece, full of insight and creative thought. so i don't do them. now i've really gotton myself into a rut with school. i've at least addressed the issue with my one wise mythic professor and he understands. i just still need to write the two papers i missed. things are going well, but its like i won't let them go well. superficially my life is blessed. great friends, boyfriend, house with a dog - but i'm not letting myself be happy. i need a change? this is what i'd like to change: get up earlier,do school work before the day its due, exercise, write more, write something creative, do more nice things for people, shit, just do everything i say i want to do. stupid sums up my mood
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